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30 September 2013 @ 08:36 pm

It's been quite an emotionally overwhelming month
and some odd weeks.

I am somewhere  I never thought I'd be, caught in
the throes of hope. It's where I feel safe at the moment.

i am also experiencing a strange relief.
Not because we are trying to work things out, but
because for the first time in a long time I am focusing
on me, but able to give the love I want to give.

I'm not asking for advice. I have felt this strange
need to explain myself and my motives and my
feelings and my and my and my...
But I realized the other day. I don't have to.

Soul mates. Did you guys really watch Hedwig?

I have contemplated this subject a lot the past month.
The ideas of science and love. The beauty that is found there, but the knowledge as well.
The addiction we have of each other.
But I am not hell bent on letting this knowledge make me believe that love does not exist in
some pure form. it does, but it's less of the whole soul mate and we were meant for each other
idea...it's a choice.
What starts out as and continues as an addiction forms and reshapes every single day.
All relationships.

We spend so much time trying to make someone happy, trying to prove ourselves to
someone, that we forget about ourselves. We rely on others so much to give us our
happiness and where does that get you, when they leave? Whether by death or
breaking up or moving or...it's devastating is what it is.

And the funny thing is, is that when you make yourself happy, no one can take that away
from you. No one. NO ONE. NO ONE.

When you are in control of your own happiness, you are more free to give love.
You are more free to be vulnerable to others.

I've heard a lot of "Well, god has a plan, and if you guys make it work, blah blah,
god god"

I don't want to love someone because of fear. That's not love. I don't fear god and
I don't fear being alone. So, look deeper than? What is it exactly?
Why am I willing to reach out my hands and my heart again?
Because, I want to. :P And it's my choice.

I have no idea where the future wants me/us to land, but I am not afraid to take
the steps towards something I want with my whole heart.
If it blows up in my face tomorrow, I will be okay. Trust that. Trust me to make my own
decisions. And really, I won't view it as a mistake. This is not a mistake. It's just what
I am doing. Because, at the end of the day I know I am a good person. I am worthy of
love and I am worthy of respect. I am worthy of all of the beautiful things in life.
And no one can take that knowledge away from me.

I am finding out more about myself through this process than I ever have and it's
scary and beautiful and hard. It's really fucking hard to stop mulling over someone
else's missteps and look in that mirror at your own. And I believe in people and
if that's my failing, so be it. If I didn't forgive and believe in the good that people harbor
I would be a lonely sad person. And I have done my fair share of asking for forgiveness.

This summer has really had such a complete life changing effect on me.
When my cousin jumped out of that 18 wheeler, when Charlie spiraled,
when Lola passed away, when my baby cousin was born too early.

Seeing her the other day. Seeing something so alive that was barely over
a lb. That moved me. It moved  me to stop worrying about all these little things
and step back and enjoy.

Please do not accept this as my own blind spot. It is by no means a blind spot,
just forgiveness and healing. I have to heal and unlearn a lot on my own with or
without him. I am taking steps to take care of myself and no one can twist my arm,
i have to do this on my own. Just like he does. He has to take these steps on
his own. All of us do really. No matter what those steps are, ultimately your
happiness is in your hands. What you get out of life is what you put into it.
There is no destined pathe that awaits to fall in our lap at the right moment.
It's work and it's love and it's understanding and it's pain and it's death and
it's patience and it's cruel and it's beautiful and it's scary and it's courage and
it's cowardice and it's most of all up to you to make happen.

To sum up this long winded epiphany I am having these days:
I make this decision with my eyes and heart wide open.
It guarantees nothing. I am okay with that.

it's a new kind of odd thing. i can not express the way I feel
properly. It's holding someone's hand and knowing you
love them, not because of what they can do for you, not
because of what they promise, not because of what they
have done, but because you have a hope of something
beautiful. Again, I am not blind. But in order for that beauty
to really shine, we both have a lot of work to do.

okay. Now, on to homework.


24 September 2013 @ 12:31 pm
16 September 2013 @ 11:11 pm
If You Forget Me
I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
Pablo Neruda
16 September 2013 @ 05:05 pm
The missing set in.
It is moving through me like
a painful breath.
pushing my ribs to bruise.
kicking my back in desperate
attempts to sleep.
watching a world die.
one you believed in so much.
one you believed in beyond the sky.

watching it collapse.

I know all of the logical reasons and
I know. but knowing isn't feeling.
and feeling never seems to know.

it kicks you in the teeth.
where you've hidden your tears.
11 September 2013 @ 10:54 pm
A friend recently included me in a post about her own divorce.
How beautiful that they had a closing "ceremony" to their marriage.
I thought about it. But there's so much hurt left. This wasn't a mutual
agreement. (are they ever? really?)
This was my heart being gutted with a dull rusted knife (or spoon!?)
and then twisted several times over even after the initial cut.

And although I know I can forgive, I just don't know when that
time will come.

It's the woman in me that loathes regrets and unresolved that
thinks the closing ceremony would be beautiful and cathartic,
but eh. It just hurts too much still.

I've cried more the last few days than I have in a while.
Certain things that sneak up on me.

When you hold someone's hand every night as you fall
asleep for almost 4 years, it's hard to let it go.

I want to be held. I miss my childhood imaginary friends.
They were mostly dinosaurs. They held me when I was
sick. When I couldn't play or go out of the bed. I never
realized until I was much older how close I was all those
times to being nonexistent. What I must of put my parents
through. Being a sickly kid and then growing into a suicidal
depressed teen.

The nightmares have gone on vacation. This is good.
This is the first time I have been single since I've gained
certain knowledge/confidence/selflove. It's going to be a
great era in my life. I can feel it.

<3 I hope.
09 September 2013 @ 09:26 pm
I hate the way the neighbors all look at me now.
They know. They don't ask, but they know.
They heard the night time tears and meltdowns on
the front porch.

He rides his bike in circles and gives me strange
sad hellos.

It's a weird feeling. it's a girl at dragon con asking
me where you are because she didn't know.

It's the small things. The fragile boxes we packed
up and now the weight of all the small things are
piling on my back.

I know I will be okay. But fuck, when will I stand in
line and not force myself not to cry because a
song you loved is blaring over head.

Not clutch my hands so hard I leave
them aching for an hour.

I will be okay.

I will watch the stars.

I am lonely, but not dead.
I am sad, but not all the time.
I am longing for an embrace that will never
release the sorrow I am  feeling.
The anger I am feeling.

But I will be okay. I know I will.
I have to be. 
07 September 2013 @ 11:39 am
Being told a story by a stranger about how
he found himself waking up on 14th street with
a needle hanging out of his arm and was disappointed
to find himself still alive.

Because of a heartbreak. This man was older
than me.

It made me sad, but also made me really happy that
I am just not that person anymore.
I no longer can afford to be that person as well.

I can not count the many times the past month
that I felt overwhelmed and seriously just
wanted to lay down in the floor and curl up
no matter where I was at at the time. (Target/Publix/DragonCon/Basement)
But eh! i'd just pick up my feet and walk sideways to
the next step.

At dragon con one night I drunkenly gave some sage advice
to these kids. we were all sitting around and one of them
was whining about being so young (13). I griped at him
and told him to stop being so fucking emo and enjoy it.
And REMEMBER KIDS! Enjoy your fucking youth and quit
being so EMO! ;)

they won't listen. they never do.
03 September 2013 @ 02:58 am
I had a great time at the con, but I am
exhausted and not able to sleep.

There were so many just really great moments.
Very few distractions.

I find myself now in a mood though. I know that
it is because of the lack of sleep and the winding down
after a vacation/awesome time.

I keep seeing the reels play out in my head and some
terrify me. It's funny the things that scare me more these

Anywho, I feel lucky, and I know that feeling will
replace the heartbreak I am currently battling.
Lucky, b/c I know I received the best version of his
love he had to offer. I can't wrap my brain around who
he used to be because I didn't know him then, but the
emails and such telling me that this, what he is doing
now, is who he used to be has made me a little sad.
I had the best version of his love to date and it was fantastic.
I never felt unloved. that's the kicker.
I was happy with him.
No one can take that emotion/memory/feeling
away from me. Not him, not her or her or her or him.
Only I can take that away from myself.

I worry about who I have become b/c of certain aspects
of our time and especially the last month.

I don't and refuse to become bitter.
I hugged a stranger who was having a panic
meltdown b/c she just saw her ex from FIFTEEN YEARS AGO.
While I was forcing her to tell me John Barrowman stories
to distract herself from thinking about him, inside I was
terrified of becoming her.

Jilted. Sad. Bitter.


I will be sad when I want to, but it is not a phase
I intend on staying in for long. I had another friend
I ran into at the con asking me if I was okay and when
I replied "What the fuck else can I be?" he said 'well,
i just want to make sure you are not suicidal or anything"
Nope. Far Far Far from it because I have too much to
do. I have the joy of reshaping my future and although that
chance came by way of heartbreak it is something exciting
none the less. And, really. What else CAN YOU DO? lay down
and wallow? I am too old and I have come so far to make my
own life one of positive outlooks to wallow. Aint NOBODY GOT

it still hurts in those moments when you find yourself
overwhelmed and feeling so lonely in a room filled
with over a thousand people and the walls start to cave
and the sky starts to give way and then "You remembered".
And you just sit outside because you know if you go up to
your hotel room you'll have a cry fest for at least an hour
and instead you just sit and watch the people in their glorious
costumes and cheer yourself up and find your friends and

The amount of love love love I have received makes me teary eyed.
People I only met on a glorious night in Nashville coming up at
the con and hugging me grandma style and making sure I was
okie. This is a world full of amazing and beautiful people. They by far
outnumber the arseholes and the mega turds! >_<
turd. heh.



Speaking of Sylvester Mccoy is AMAZING!
27 August 2013 @ 10:16 pm
I can't even nap without nightmares.

It's becoming harder to want to go to sleep.

When will they stop?

I have been devastated now for almost two weeks at the loss of something
that could have, should have, would have, but just didn't.

Luckily there is NETFLIX! w00t.

I can not wait until this week at Dragon*Con.
I hope I will not find myself weeping to a storm trooper. ;)

I also can not FRIGGGEN wait until November 23rd!!!

EEEK! i feel grateful that the people in my life refuse to let me
hibernate and be a debbie downer during this time.
They refuse to allow me to cast any type of sad face clouds
around myself. They allow me the proper tears and sadness,
they just won't let me stay there.

It will be a long time before I trust again, but I have hope
that I will trust again. And i've learned so much from my
current heartbreak.

I've also felt more love the past two weeks than a girl
could hope for or even imagine. I always thought I was
a decent person, but the amount of support and encouragement
I am receiving is overwhelming and makes me tear up and feel
so loved.

hugs from the unexpected. emails from people i've never
met before. constant reminders and videos and happy
My friends and family are irreplaceable and it's nice
to know that they'll never let me slam into the cement
head first. they'll all reach  out their hands and hearts
to give me a soft landing. <3 <3 
19 July 2013 @ 09:46 am
I have been feeling rather depressed lately.
I hate the word. Depressed. DUHHHHHHHHHPRESSED.
I feel lonely during the day and I feel needy to those I
actually am around.

Vitamins? Therapy?! Sunshine!

These are things I prob need in order to properly
put my head right side way up.

I hate having the understanding/clarity of knowing
what you need to do, but not having the motivation
or strength to do it.

I am being such a big ol'  pity party pants right now eh?

Life fucking sucks sometimes and it's just life. It's not
the universe speaking to me or the world telling me
this that or the other. It's just life.
People die, people get sick, people jump out of 18 wheelers,
people murder, people od, people commit suicide, people
stop being your friend, people stop caring, people lie, people
lie, people lie and manipulate.

Obviously I realize that there are a GAZILLIONMILLIONBAZILLION
beautiful things in the world as well. If I didn't, well, I would be in a
different place these days.