This weekend was good. Friday, I took one of my last remaining vacation days from work. Slept a little late, then James came over and we ate breakfast at Waffle House. Then back to my place where he whooped my butt 4 times at Magic. Then I had to go into work (yes, on my vacation day) to put a sign together for my boss. Then I had to go into work at Hot Topic, and worked until 11. Ended the night with Krishelle and I watching some Farscape.

Saturday, we each stopped by our banks, then went to Longhorn for lunch. SUPER delicious. Dropped some stuff off by the thrift store. Then it was nap time. After a nice nap on a full stomach, Krishelle and I played Monopoly where she whooped my butt. We ended the night by finishing off season 1 of Farscape.

Sunday, Krishelle and I met up with her mom at Cracker Barrel for breakfast, then went to Church of the Highlands. I'm not enjoying my time at these things, but but I am warming up to their sense of community. It's not what church was like when I was a kid. Still though, don't think I didn't get defensive when they said "Hate the Devil". After the service, I met up with Flying Greg and we headed off to Dick Wolf practice. We were rough around the edges, but it was fun. Afterwards, Greg and Andy came back to my place where we watched First Blood. Forgot it was a Christmas movie. Then the boys went home, K and I headed back to her place where we played some Magic and Monopoly. So all in all, I had a fun weekend.

6.78 is in town, but never heard from him. Guess we'll be getting together Wednesday night. [fingers crossed]

Live Long & Prosper

i had one of the most wonderful dates last night. Awesome movie Avatar... what was better was the company i had by my side.

Still smiling...

gotz lots to do today so must remain focused.

tell you all about it later...

what do you want from me?

you tell me i am one thing then say i am the other.

i love you.

you know this.
I know you love me.

but i have no idea what is going on.

Well, Saturday, my mom and dad picked me up and we drove to Atlanta for my brother's college graduation. We met up at his house where my Aunt Dot and Uncle Rump were with Christopher (2nd grader) and Blake (6th grader). I hadn't seen Christopher and Blake in over a year. Madison and her family were there too, so we all went to go eat at Jason's Deli. There, I kept trying to get Christopher and Blake to do things for a dollar. We then went to the ceremony witch took 2 hours. After that, mom, dad, and I headed home.

Sunday, Nathan and I watched some Law & Order: SVU and some classic Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles cartoons. We were both surprised at how well that show holds up. Then Krishelle and I met up and ran some errands and played with her dog. We ended the night playing some Magic and watching TV Christmas specials from Invader Zim and Mr. Bean.

LL&P

I feel my entire scalp tense up and the skin on my whole back doubles in temperature.

My brain can process information logically. But lately my emotions are going into hyperdrive. If this is what PMS feels like, then I understand why there's massive conspiracy to control it.

I'm not usually this susceptible to the whims of irrational feelings when they arise. I'm good at talking myself down from that proverbial ledge. Not this time. Not right now. Not lately, for whatever reason. The calm voice of reality and objectivity is no match for my hormones. I'm just going to assume it's my hormones anyway. It has to be. I must be pregnant or perhaps there's something in the water.

It feel like I'm going crazy at times.

I'm pretty sensitive as it is...imagine that times ten. Then multiply it by another ten. And another. And another and another...

That's what it feels like right now. I'm wary and tense about things I have no business getting worked up about (in addition to plenty of things I should be worked up about) and there's nothing I can do to control it. I just have to trust that it'll pass and I'll stop making an ass of myself.

That, and my shoulders, neck and back will stop hurting (since the tension will be gone). And my blood pressure will return to normal, too, perhaps.

In any case.

Examinations are taking place with little returned by way of potential triggers. I wish it hasn't affected me in the romantic arena, but it's seeming to lately. More in the way of embarrassment for how I'm presenting myself than anything, but it's there. Fear of abandoment? Fear of rejection? Fear of betrayal? Fear of fear?

The sins of his fathers are not his own, but I'd be a fool to think that history doesn't have the potential to repeat itself. I don't expect it to, and I really want to be able to just throw caution to the wind...which, honestly, I have for the most part. I'm not careful at all with revealing what I think or feel and what I would like by way of a future with him. It feels more like I'm prepared. I'm bracing for the hammer to come down. For that one phrase that'll change everything. That monkey wrench that just stops the entire machine.

But I don't need to brace for anything. Even when I knew I needed to prepare for big blows, I didn't. Because the anticipation of such things has more power to obliterate than the actual thing itself, whichever it may be. Our imaginations are dreadfully dangerous...but only to ourselves.

Yet, here I am. Muscles tight, cheeks and ears hot, ache in my chest and stomach, lack of restful sleep for wild dreams, and the usual distractionary measures aren't working and only serve to aggitate my mind.

I feel impulsive. I feel trapped. I feel feel far away from everything. Not alone...just far away. I feel behind. I feel like I've taken on too much.

But none of that is about anything in particular. It's the same feeling when you're in the middle of Target and you're on the phone with your mom and she's talking about your father or something she saw on TV and suddenly, without warning, you realize that you may or may not have left candles burning at home over two hours ago. There's a physical manifestation there.

That's what I feel like lately. That there may be something I've forgotten and my mind is working so hard at remembering what it is that everything bothers me. Everything's an interruption. Or I've wasted time somewhere. (Everywhere, actually...I enjoy wasting time, truth be told.)

But that's not true. Nothing bothers me. I just feel...off. Like I'm between things and I don't quite exist...or something.

sigh

This isn't a veiled attempt at communicating a specific want or hidden secret I can't say. It's just hard to put such an annoying and bothersome feeling into words.

If you think this is about you or has something to do with you...it definitely isn't/doesn't. It's only about me. I would tell you. I would. Chances are things are quite the contrary and you're probably a little patch of blue sky in between the rain clouds.

I promise.

been working out since august...

what do i got.... and extra 10 lbs... WTF.

but my butt is looking better.... shadrone decided to smack me with a wooden spoon today...broke that bitch...


my body to me looks worse than ever... i can see the cellulite more...
and my thighs are practically humping each other.

i know gaining muscle.blah blah.but this sux...

i also went up 4 pant sizes....


ive never had the hard body... i will never have a flat stomach... just dont want it to be jello.


but my butt looks good...

everything i read seems to say the same thing.. i am not eating enough?!!?!?!?

just not that hungry.....

love food...but one good meal a day with snackies like a banana or apple works for me..

but i must say it def wards off the depression and anxiety..

maybe a new tactic......

keep with the yoga and strength training...and do more cardio... hour and half a day ...every day........gained ten pounds and 4 pant sizes... a little fucking bitter!!!

DRACULA'S BALL! w/ Black Tape For A Blue Girl (featuring Athan Maroulis of Spahn Ranch & Nicki Jaine),I:Scintilla, DJ's Mark Jackson from VNV Nation & Joe Letz of Combichrist!

on the coast... board walk... lots lots of people...big lake???? shore mostly all around... but cant get off without roads

ottowa??? the name of the place....

me draven... my family darren family...

planes..less than 7.. fat planes

fat red plane.

destroying board walks and highways...

5 story highway??

all the people rushing into the water to be safe from falling crap..

i put a life jacket on draven.... ex mother in law put sunscreen on him...

swim out... watch everything collapse

swim back to distant shore...

watching everything fall...

fat red plane...

it was all just a distraction i hear in the distance....

me and my son and mom go to an old leather book store.... and start to listen to something....

wake up...

I'm digging this downloading old games for my PS3 thing. Last night, I downloaded the demo of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles In Time Re-Shelled. It's exactly what I've been wanting to happen for over 20 years. They have finally taken an old side scroller and updated it with modern day graphics!! I can't wait to see what else they do this too. Altered Beast or the original Doom perhaps?



Last night, I went with Krishelle and her mom to Church of the Highlands for some Thank You party for their volunteers (because the two of them volunteer there). It was all right I suppose. They had a standup comedian perform an hour long set. Surprisingly, he was pretty entertaining. I still can't help but feel [when I go to these churches with Krishelle] the desire to leap up on my chair, let out a Xena-esque war cry, and being a rant about how the Devil will make all of your dreams come true.

I don't ever do it though.

Live Long & Prosper

everything and everyone is annoying the hell out of me...

have no patience for anyone including myself.

being i am a cancer i think its time to be in my shell for a while.

give a knock on the shell at your own risks....

this year has been emotional and social reevaluation...

tired of being the fuck up...or the one everyone sees as the devil.

you dont know me.... (to quote jerry springer)

I keep having nightmares about a vampire apocalypse. Last night was the second one I've had. Basically, it consists of me being locked up in a house with about 6-8 other people. While though the house glass's wall, I can see thousands upon thousands of swarming, flying vampires devouring anyone who hasn't yet sought shelter. Luckily, the vampires can't enter the house because of two things: first, they aren't invited in; second, we have some sort of sonic fence that repells the vampires. In my dream, they keep breaking the glass, and then inevitably, some moron gets too close to the sonic fence and gets an arm or leg devoured, thus turning him into a vampire behind our defenses. It's pretty intense.

But also last night was the first time I've ever had a dream about children being born. It started with me helping with the delivery of someone baby, which then led to me being at the births out my own children: two girls. At one point, I was sitting on the floor with my 3 year old daughter in my lap, and this huge sense of love and devotion swelled over me. I woke up from the dream feeling so wonderful, but a little sad because it had only been a dream.

I don't really care what my subconscious might be telling me, I just thought it was kinda neat.

LL&P

I try hard not to be a high-maintenance person and hate when I feel like I am. Is there such a thing as a negative-maintenance person? A reverse-maintenance person? That's what I want to be. One of those.

I'm usually pretty even-keeled, too. Level-headed. Not always quick to make the best decisions (rather, quick to make ok decisions), but pretty predictable as far as demeanor goes.

I feel like a complete and total spaz lately. A whiny brat. A baby. For whatever reason, my fuse is short. I stay frustrated. I can't find the silver lining in certain situations. That's my friggin' signature move, that silver lining bit is. And for whatever reason, I can't even use it.

I need to start writing again. The exercise is there, but I really should be doing yoga every day. I need a room with a door, is what I need. Maybe I'll just start locking Newt in the bathroom and put Honey in her kennel. But then I'd worry about the cat obliterating everything in the bathroom and Honey tends to huff and puff when she's in 'her room'. I'll give it a whirl, though.

See? I'm all good...silver lining is that this is all just a gentle push. A friggin' annoying one, but a push. A really REALLY unnecessary one, but a push.

Writing and yoga. Two things I want to be good at, but I beat myself up over them instead.

I've said for years that 32 would be my best age. Let's see what I can do (besides love...and love, I intend to do).

I still have 2 months, but I think 32 can start now.