Fluffy Tufts and Raindrops

There's No Forgetting

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:51:00 GMT

If you should ask me where I've been
I must reply: "It happens."
I must speak of the soil obscured by the stones,
of the river destroyed while still existing.
I know only things that birds lose,
The ocean left behind, or my weeping sister.
Why are there so many regions?
Why does one day join with another day?
Why does a black night accumulate in the mouth?
Why do the dead exist?
If you should ask from where I came,
I must speak about broken things.
About utensils far too bitter,
About huge beasts often decayed, and about
my distressed heart.

All that have passed have not been memories
Nor is what sleeps in forgetfulness a yellow dove,
But rather, faces wet with tears, fingers at the throat,
And all that collapses from the leaves;
The obscurity of a day gone by,
A day fed with our sad blood.

I'll show you violets, swallows
And all that pleases us and appears
On the pretty large postcards
Sent back from places that time and sweetness
visit on their trip.

But let's not penetrate beyond the teeth
let's not chew on the husks that silence accumulates. (******)
Because I do not know what to answer:
There are so many dead,
And so many seawalls that the red sun has damaged,
And so many heads that the ships strike,
And so many hands that have imprisoned kisses,
And so many things that I want to forget.

Pablo Neruda

in all caps

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 03:24:33 GMT

the txt read
"NOT GUILTY"

and I was in D.C.
for the first time.
running..
down flights of stairs
to cross to buildings
..to buildings to memorials..
to to to "justice"

i adored D.C. in the
few hours I got to spend
with her..and I can't
wait to go again and
sit inside the Library of Congress
for hours and hours and hours
instead of a quick run through..
(to get the reader cards was worth
it thanks to Emily for helping me find
my way a bit!)

the past two years have seen so many
changes.
and the "not guilty" sets me free.
i know he won't call again.
he's with her.
i know she won't call again..
she's stubborn.
and i'm free for the first time
in 2 years. over 2 years..

don't get me wrong.
my heart still hurts..but
what more can i do?

this year has been amazing
and shall continue to be amazing!
mike is amazing..that man..
who runs with me..and allows
me to have a freedom ...that
no one else ever wanted to give..

anywho!!!! shadddup you goob!

inkblood.
bloodink?

yes.

my grandfather has been dead
for a year.
his grave is still unmarked.
i still have his teeth.
i miss him.

two more books to read
before school starts again.
i'm glad that i am going to stick
with school. mike's bass player..
helps to keep the dream alive.
a lot of folks say to quit school
and live..but learning for me
is living..and if at the end of
this path..some fool allows
me to teach ...mwahahahahah!
i'm excited for the future.

CHER IN DECEMBER!!! haha.
me and me mum are celebrating
our landmark birthdays in VEGAS!
w00t.
i can't wait. she's going to be 25
and i am turning sweet 16. yesh.

;)

Book of Love

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 02:35:52 GMT

i'm in love with the idea. hope that Ama gets to see
her dream come true & hope that I get to help her
out. Look into One World Cafe.

We go to Baltimore next week. Wed.
I"m excited worried...excited..worried..
Getting to see DC before I am 30 is
a bit of a..w00t for me!
Also, getting to see the Dead Milkman!!!
heh. makes me very happy.

Today was the GA aquarium day..
whales. seadragons.otters.lines.lines.childrensceaming.

and it was good.

hmm.
i have no deep thoughts. i'm exhausted.

thanks to monkeee!

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 18:43:53 GMT

i now have a copy of this audio book. while i will do
my best to continue this book

(which i am enjoying quite well!) i will prob break at
some point and have to stop and listen.
while the physical vacations are nice and well
needed. it's wonders what a mental vacation
can do for you. (me!) and lately it has def
been in books. simply reading. it has also
been in juice! lol
it seems silly and i've never used a kitchen
contraption this much before. it's relaxing
and fun and ..i don't care what you say!
;)

thus far celery, apple, and cucumber &
orange, grapefruit and lemon are my favourite!

as i am approaching 30 which eh...it's a bit
O_O but when i sit down, not so much. I find
that as i get a bit older, (just a bit goddamnit!)
that while fun is still just as amazing and thrills
and excitement and new new..gimme something
new..the idea of meaning has started to peek in
to my life. not my own meaning or my life's meaning..
rather than doing things that have meaning and impact
on others in a positive way.

it's refreshing to learn the art of selfishness
and selflessness.
they are both a required class in life..imho.
don't be stingy but don't just give it away.
(now!?) heh.

OH! i made a B in my dummy math class!!
w00t!! i am pretty sure there is a mistake
somewhere, but this encourages me to
continue with my education. if you've
been around me you know how down i've
been about this aspect of my life..how confused
i've been. well there are two moments that
helped me. a conversation that i just listened
to ..and the fact that i made a b instead of a D as
i thought! w00t! (really a math class did make
the decision for me ..well mostly)
listening to other teachers..and even though
they say "it's the hardest job i've ever had, but
goddamnit i love it" is an amazing thing to hear.

anywho!
today i went to meet with the WE Gardens
i do hope that i stick with this volunteering.
it's amazing to be sitting in a community
garden. it reminds me of my grandfather.
how his garden started to die and now is
no more..it's been almost a year..and i still
get choked up. father's day is going to be hard,
but we'll manage. i feel like volunteering for a
community garden in some way is my ..
way of refusing to forget him. it's amazing
what a little hope and folks with determination
can do ..to streets that are known more for
crime than their compost station (which is
amazing! why am i so fascinated with compost?)
okay.
i'm shutting it now!
but to leave you with this in mind!
never trust a klingon..mwahahaha.

what are you up to?

ohh and ps. read this. NOW.

Thu, 28 May 2009 22:07:24 GMT

before reading i suggest a small pocket d.r. slang book near by. a brush up on DR history and a box of tissues.
i guess for me and most of my friends the brush up on the sci-fi nerdiness isn't really needed. you'll get the ref
to the various authors, comics, games, etc.
there are many levels why this book is amazing. knowing the levels of being an outcasts. i do have a pattern and i think matt is right. i can respect anyone, but my love is reserved for those who have to fight. reserved for those who can't just crawl back up in their parents hole and be free to "escape" life and all it's demands, because LIFE AND ALL ITS DEMANDS are bitch slapping you in the face. those who can not rely on any merit of beauty to save them. those who know how to survive. i'm still learning.

this book also gives you an amazing story teller. i will never be as fluid..but maybe one day!
i cried 30 pgs in. maybe it was knowing this kid..in different ways growing up. knowing my brother. and that's horrible to say that's so horrible to compare...b/c he's a big boy and god did he let the women folk destroy him. we were by default..geek kids. knowing my sister...knowing me. knowing the folk lore in my (your) own family. it's a family history, a geek love story, and a violent wake up call to the DR history.

*sigh*
i just got finished reading it an hour ago.

anywho.
now i want some history books.

okay.

cough up a swallow.

Thu, 28 May 2009 21:50:57 GMT

always
his trial was postponed yet again.
my emotions towards this
whole ordeal are becoming
slightly post poned.
i spent months of nights that
i can barely remember..nights
that sit in my throat..that
haunt me..because of the
stupidity of thinking that caring
for someone holds up in this
court..of friendship?
granted the down fall was
almost a year old by the
time he put the gun to his
head..
i spiraled with justification at this
point.

i'm exhausted from that feeling of
caring more for someone..something..
a friendship that i once held with
white fists..and now. he'd rather
have his "lovely" mentor of demise
by his side than any friend.

eh. it's okay.

i've been treated worse and better.
that's life.

the past few weeks have
been a bit refreshing.
i know why i love my friends.
they're not cowards.
i am, but they're not and
they hold me to their standards!
thank you!

(soooooo bored of cowards!)

the contemplation of what i want
to do with this here life o'mine..
i have no fucking clue..but
it'll work out. =)

the book store. to be the
book maker. oh to live
in a time where i could be..
maybe?

finding out one of the clothing
lines in our store is from alabama..
i feel silly for not knowing this before
hand..eh. makes me happy.

let's start something?
start birmingham?
remember that?

blood red earth?

oh. we'll get there.

joy. bursting.
bursting.
despite.
despite.
them there ass holes in
every on every around every
shape state lines..lines...lines..
many being had!
believe in something beyond
a preplanned failure!

w00t.

and now...
kelly and caylar's dreams of
def poetry that i found when gutting
my old room and old apartment and
and and and my old life. Mos Def will
be mine one day. =)

don 't be offended if you know who
you are. lol. think of the nights..
yup. those nights.

Type your cut contents here.

1. you said
2. i think it's time to sever ties
1.yeah, i think you're right
b.and i think it's funny
2.someone who doesn't have any friends now has enough
to afford
1.to exchange them for enemies who happened
to be bored at the moment
2.of talking about one another

b. atleast i own up
YES I TALK SHIT
1.but what do you do you fucking hypocrite
2.you turn it into a he said, she said, i didn't say
nothin'
2.you think i got this way on my own?
1.just let me jog your memory remember
i was your apprentice at the age of b.15/19
2.you said bitch verbalize it, 1. make it a joke
egg it on
2.like your rage became the punchline
1.like your heartaches became songs
2.because you wanted a mirror
1.someone you could mold
2.so in your self-esteem deficient existence you
wouldn't
feel so alone
1.or have to act your age

2.Fuck me for not seeing thru you then
1.Fuck me for taking your advice
2.Fuck me for thinking I could trust you then
1.Fuck me, oh..uh..wait you did!

2.Correct me if I am wrong
but wasn't it
I-Who loved you
I-Who fought for you
I-who defended you
I-Who supported you
b.While EVERYONE (not just four) WAS LAUGHING IN MY FACE?
for loving-YOU
for defending-YOU
'for supporting-YOU

b.it's funny how your friendships change
depending on
2.your finacial status
1.who you be tappin' dat ass with
2. and the refills of medications that you
refuse to claim
1.because you're convinced that your life
is a product of
b."Everyone's to blame"
2.For your expanded waistline
1.For how much hair you've lost
2.For an unfinished bathroom
1.For how much friends cost

1.As for the moral obligation I might
have felt
2.had it not been for your presentation brought
'to me in form of modern day communication
1.And the last thing you had to say
b.WAS NEVER SAID
2.but rather-spell-checked, 1.back spaced, 2.capitalized
1.custom fonted, 2. and re-read
1.which showed me it was callous, 2. mulled over
1.thought thru, 2. collaborated, 1.stylized and 2. planned
2. While I was out working for...b.YOU?
You dumb piece of shit!
1.You who can end a relationship with..
2.Your mail has been sent!

1.back up 2.rewind this conversation and b.remind yourself who you're
talking to
1.i know your formula
2.i know your language
1.i know your next big move
2.i know your motives
1.i know your ego is even bigger than your ass
2.so you will never admit that perhaps you were
WRONG
as if that degree that new found conscience
1.that six-month-too-late-on-my-voicemail-sorry-ass-
mumbled-st-st-stuttered-er-erm-apology
b.is supposed to impress me?

2.You want to say this city is dead
1.Your own personal barrier
2.another excuse to fail
1.because it's easier than trying
2.there is no city to accuse
1.no state line to cross
2.no time zones to enter
1.no new faces to meet
2.that changes the fact b.that you are your own defeat
1.so get OUT
2. GO
1.Who's standing in your way?
2.Frankly, my city doesn't need your bitching, 1. your lying, 2. your whining,
1."Noone likes me" 2. "Noone talks to me anymore"
1."Noone invites me b.and "I DON"T KNOW WHY?"

2.Maybe it's the hand crafted
1.ribbed for her pleasure
b.b-b-b-b-BULLSHIT
1.Just for me
2.so you don't have to say
1.those lies that aren't really lies
2.those cowardly confessions
1.just implied
2.to spare MY feelings
1.by using someone else's words
2.so you can be Oh so witty!
1.or Oh so deep!
2.Or OH SO Mysterious!
b.instead of OH SO EASY TO DELETE!

1.So, you think that you've really hurt me
2.that you've left me all alone?
1. That you and these FOUR
2. Yes, not ONE Ladies and Gentlemen
1.Not TWO but a GRAND TOTAL OF
b.Four
2.close friends are going to put an end
to me?
b.who died and made you amazing?

2.by the way i just love your grand delusion
that slamming a receiver in my face makes
YOU the better person

1.let me schooooooool you BOY

1.While you're left standing
with the five friends
2.that you can't even trust
I have an international entourage
b.to BACK ME UP.

b.bitch.

pepto, bruises, and how many more meds can i possibly take?

Mon, 04 May 2009 00:50:49 GMT

so i went to the doctor friday because the pain in my chest had
become quite rawr to the point of tears. i had fallen ..well..not
exactly. to fall one eventually hits the floor right? well the stage
at bottletree caught me right across the chest. tis life.
ecspecially when you're drunk. these injuries are always
a down side. the pain seemed to be getting worse as the
week went on and that's why i went to the doc. i wasn't really
worried that i had broken anything, b/c i feel it would have
been much more intolerable.
to the point. i make mention to the doc that i've been feeling
weak and tired for almost a month straight now and can't
figure it out. (i was going to wait until after finals to see
if my energy levels came back up etc i am all too familiar
with the stress.depressed enduced fatigue) so somehow
to him this sounded like ..pneumonia. O_o i am puzzled
because as an asthmatic child i feel i would know if i had
any form of this illness, b/c i had it quite regular until i was
18 .. anywho. so then he pulls at my neck and asks "do you
just have a fatty neck..hmm" and to this i don't even respond.
after he sees me without really listening for 10 minutes he
decides to test me for the mycoplasma in my lungs
and thyroid issues and ..etc etc. anywho, he comes back
to prove me wrong after i tell him my lungs only hurt
b/c i quit smoking and b/c i fell on my chest ..

anywho. he tells me i have walking pneumonia and says
he'll call me for any other test results.
he prescribes me a few ..and gives me "samples" ..
for pain.
i'll just say i have been more sick since taking the
medicine than i have been in the past ..really
since the food poisoning incident wha? a year
ago?

i am just now able to sit up at a constant rate.
i think it's part stubborn b/c i have so much to
do between now and tomorrow at 8am.

it's frustrating.
to never fully understand your own body.
to never fully understand what and why
they are prescribing you certain meds.
how long have these meds been around?
etc etc.
ofcourse if you're like me you have this
"but if i don't take them what if i get worse?"
lucky for me the two that i suspect are giving
me the worst problems are not the antibiotics.
along with the new rx i also have a few others
that i take on a daily basis.
i am just begining to wonder why?
(other than the no baby pills)

i wish i could find a doc that understood
these concerns.

anywho. pepto. so this is my drink for
the weekend. last night at around 2am..
i'm laying in bed tired of the pain and
realizing that i have no one without my
mum or mike being there. (they were
both out of town) i mean shan and amanda
would/will come to my rescue pretty much
any time of day or night and any where within
the 50 states..but i felt a need for pepto
and some nurturing was not cause to
call someone at 2am.

oh and inbetween the brief waking
to puke kiley texts me.
his trial starts tomorrow at 8:30am.
this puts another stab in the heart.

so the point? at 2am i manned up
and went to go get some pepto
and drove to my parents house.
not realizing how bad it was raining
over here. my pops and bro were
still gone at a poker game..
so i downed the pepto and
crashed ..i have been asleep for
the majority of the past 24 hours.
as in about 19 of those hours.
i still have a paper due tomorrow.
i still have a math final tomorrow.
i'll make the paper, but the math
final is kindof going to be a bust.

wrapping my mind around anything
right now is most impossible.

i am babbling.

point is ..it sucks to be sick and no one to bring you pepto.

i spend a lot of money for people to tell me what i already know and what i don't want to know

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 02:16:27 GMT

so i'm reading this..and while it's a good read..b/c the quirky reporter
gets her hands a bit dirty to prove a point..but in every page i can't
help but hum to myself some good ol'fashion pulp "still you'll never
get it right..cuz when you're laying in bed at night watching..
roaches climb the wall..you can call your dad and stop it all..
YOU"LL NEVER BE LIKE COMMON PEOPLE!" etc etc..you
know the rest.
when she becomes a victim of unknown skin rash she calls her
dermatalogist to get him to help her out. now, i feel that i'm on a higher
level of work than those i've read about in this book thus far..and if you know
me you know my troubles with my skin...i have free health insurance and i
still do not feel that my finacial status is up to paying for a dermatalogist.
(i could squeeze it in, but my tummy troubles and the lovely urinary tract issues
come before having a dermatalogist)
don't get me wrong she points these facts out about herself constantly...
and i give her applause for bringing to the table what WE"VE ALL KNOWN
that you can barely afford to be homeless on min. wage in this country.
i've worked for 5.15 an hour...luckily for me i was living with my parents
and had no car payment. the things we do to get by ..day to day...
amaze people who have never had to....
i try not to be rawr about the finacial status of others versus my own..
i think it gives us all character...we all feel like we have to fight to
prove we deserve what we have in this life..whether it be a rented
crap hole apartment with brown water or a four story house with
a lawnmower man (i really just wanted an excuse to say lawnmower
man ..mwahahaha!! this entire entry is for that purpose only!!!)

okay. don't get me wrong. i'm still highly enjoying the read.
it's a book that's was created ..to make you gripe...point fingers..
or have some kindof "oh my i treat my house lady like
shit" epiphany..lol.

i'm just happy that i'm reading. i've been lazy about that lately..
using school as an excuse for a lot of things. don't get me
wrong school continues to keep me on my stessfilledtippytoptoes,
but i need to adjust.
learn how to deal with life and work and school and friends and
family and that man that makes me squee and and and and
like the rest of the world.

i've been tired a lot lately. the past week..
hope i'm not coming down with anything. i doubt it.
just been running a lot lately i spose!

i have a new truth that is sitting in my hands.
it's a perception of truth..
it made me want to vomit at first listen..
now i'm curious..

where's the horse and let me sit
inside your mouth?
i want to hear saliva kindof truth...
(or do i?)

i dinnea.

for every mile, what do you get?

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:28:03 GMT

half an inch? that makes me?

last friday was needed.
sat and the alcohol poisoning
maybe not so much, but friday.
I knew what kind of night it was
going to be, because I've known
what kind of week it had been.

the stress of moving is creeping.
not just the moving the physical part..
the idea of letting go of some of the
control in my life.

it'll be fine. just tiny stress.
(mole hills out of mountains)
friday night while granted i was
super dee duper drunk before
MC even finished their set it reminded
me of how much i adore that man.

i've shared my second favourite
drunken moment with him.
that makes me happy.

here's to hoping i wasn't an asshole
just a drunk friday night.
somethings you just know the next
day, but that was a blackout drunk.
fun was had by all!

now let's do it again this weekend? heh
(maybe)
I do know that I AM IN SERIOUS NEED
of a REAL FUCKING VACATION!

why do i deprive myself of these things?
between, work, school, family, music
and mike. i feel guilty if i schedule anything
for myself completely. like i have to wait. the ironic
thing is ..my mom will be at the beach the first
week of may, and so will mike. i'll be at work.
granted mike's going to a wedding and my
mom is going toa nursing home convention..
she still invited me to go down.
my mom will prob have to take the Texas
trip without me as well, because she wants
to go in May or June. I haven't seen my bebe
cousins in two years. they've been in foster care
up until a few months ago.
don't get me wrong..
i'll be at the beach..wrong weekend but
it'll still be fun. (i hate that i was the one
who spoiled the fun bleh)

i prob won't be able to go to Kiley's trial.
because it is scheduled in june.

speaking of.
yes. i do live in the past a lot.
i'm trying to let it go and i've done a
much better job at it this year than
most any year in my life.
but my eyes glaze over sometimes..
and it is hard to see much else.
i remember.
too much.

details such tiny tiny details.

i want a nap before work.
stayed up til'4am working on
a paper. school is closed due
to power outage. trees were
down left and right.
uprooted.

i am
being

up rooted.

the last two days of the tour.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:34:24 GMT

i'll explain later. it's my theme for the day.
it's been a rough few weeks. okay rough two
weeks. there have been many a footsteps in
the "hotel on arlington"

enough!

just sleep deprived and anxious.
jaw is breaking. okay it just hurts..
has been hurting for two weeks
now. my dentist appointment is
wed. everyone and their mother
has asked for wed off. so i will get
the pleasure of going to school..
zipping to the dentist and then
zipping to work. (zipping? i see
a smart car in this scenario,
i do not have a smart car!
i want one!)

anywho i'm just whining.
life is great.
actually it's pretty good..
just a bit stressed letting
things get to me a bit too
sensy! (hey number one!)
i miss my bad late night t.v.
maybe that is it.
maybe it's the almost two months
of mostly (mostly) quitting smoking.
i've broken down under a pack of
cigs in the past 10 weeks.

hmm. what else? beach. yesh.
i kindof wish we were going to
ponderosa stomp again this
year. we said we would, we just
aren't. broke ostly..but we've
been busy.

my lil' bro and his wife are
back in Alabama.

feel like i am paying
a lot of money to be
a po'man in the end?
i think the avg
college student does.
*sigh*

leave me in your will,
one more grandkid around
this family and i'm out! heh.

yup.
that's about it. i have
to get to

work.

and remember.
"anything can happen in life..
ecspecially nothing, mainly nothing,
once you know that you're fine..
once you know that..
you can retire.."

and i feel like burning this town..(did you get it?!)

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 03:56:40 GMT

pretty much.
a big fuck you is my favourite pose.
fuck you to the thousandth person who has
told me which dermatalogist to go to to fix my face.
"well you can fix that hun, you just need some money"
"a bukowski face and a left tit will get you everywhere!"
O_o
i had a lot of fun the past weekend.
Model Citizen makes my heart happy and
makes me shake me arse!
good dose of r-o-c-k always makes
me happy!
the party, i finally figured out who he
was...nice to know!
-side note: weird noises outside.metal. clings-

then..the nick.
eh. it's the nick.
then back home to folks and the bar girl
throwing knives at the kitchen closet door.
and the bebe hatchet.
yes. fun filled weekend for all!

didn't get to see peelander z but
mike went for us both! heh.
so i got a nifty sticker! =)
which is needed as the radiohead
sticker is slowing peeling away
and god is peeking thru.
(it was my lil' bros truck he had
a jesus sticker i couldn't get off
so i placed a radiohead one over
etc)

i am currently NOT procrastinating
on a paper. no nopers. not i.
i am however procrastinating
about studying for my math test.

BLEH!

i really really can't wait for the
whole math part of my journey
to be over.

so which should it be?
prof? creative?
hmm.

watched american splendor
again last night. i love that
movie. *sigh*
okay. off to "study"

the things i have forgotten to learn.

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 06:14:09 GMT

i had a good day.
i went to the art
store and luckily for
me friendly face works
there and he is taking
a book arts class.
so he helped me a bunches.

i'm excited about all
the choices. i have
a paper to work on
so until that is settled
i can't get my hands
too dirty in the process.

all this going out lately
has ..reminded me that staying
in with my best best bestest
friend is the best thing sometimes.
(that man truly knows me protects
me and lurves me despite juke joint
jumpin' out of cars late night ha)

i am truly lucky.

me and mike went to the
ave maria grotto today.
it was fun.
you really should go!

i am tired of just saying.

kiley's trial isn't until
june. he called me.
one day i will get this
right.

oh and here i thought i was wrong.

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 01:18:41 GMT

i love my true friends.
thank you for never betraying
me.
for never letting me down.
for never being that person.
ya know the type.

those who could never really
have anyone unless they're
getting something out of the
deal. i'm glad to be able to
appreciate those around me
for the common joy we have
in each other.

on a side note.
book arts.
this is my new fascination.

help me.

i want to bind
things.
ohhh i want to bind
lots of things.
(your mouth)

O_o

kiley's trial started
monday.
haven't heard from him
since ...well it's
been a week.

today is a month since
i've quit smoking
whoopie.

sometimes, only sometimes...

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 03:10:58 GMT

sometimes i still cry over you.
waiting for the telephone to say
there's understanding.
waiting for a letter dropped in
a moment of ..
waiting for all of those answers

eh.
"that's life"

sometimes my mum makes
amazing fudge brownies..
and i give reflux, weight
and all those other innard
like problems the finger..
b/c damn it's good.

sometimes i'm supposed to
be writing papers and i
wait until the latest possible
times to even think of a thesis.
i really fucking dislike my teacher.
i no longer hate her. she's struggling
in the same pile of shit as the rest
of us.

sometimes i wonder why more
people were not at the leonard
nimoy lecture. shame on you!
it was most entertaining.

sometimes when you take over
and remind me what we are
doing here..it makes me
the happiest girl who truly
does feel like a silly
fairy tale..and it makes
me want to squeeze you and
hug you and love you and ..
name you george?

sometimes i remember why
i liked smoking in the first
place all this panic in the chest
gets muffled ..with a cough and
wheez..

sometimes i wonder how i
ended up not half as drunk
as i used to be. i think i
may know how..but shh!

=)

sometimes i feel like i have
the most most most...

and i thank you!
and you!
und du!
y tu!

<333

these are a few of my favourite things...

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 03:00:43 GMT

the past few weeks have been
amazing exhausting and now
now..can i nap? soon.

music. celebrations..
celebrating the dead,
celebrating the hope!
celebrating friends
and family and loving
every exhausting minute.

i have so much more to
say,but here's the run
down.

talking to kiley has
been nice. reminding me
that holding grudges
is retardando...

i adore that about
the friends i have..
(most of them)
last year took
a lot from me and
i started to become
that person who still
gets as mad as the first
time..everytime. YUCK
to that. =D
we loved each other
in our friendships
for more good than not..
than you will always
be welcomed in my heart.
=)

and sure..some of those
friendships are different,
but i saw someone get
red faced and sooo rawr
the other day for a past
grudge, and i am very
thankful that i know
how to let go..some
may argue me on that..
but i do.

all this talk...
about getting up
and what have youse
done..well what have you?
i refuse to..because
i know i haven't.
does that make sense?

until i have, who am
i to judge?

Judges...we ALL love
to be them..don't we?
there are systems that
have always been in place..
let's remind the class.
god.
greed.
power.

oh my this rant can't
take place right now.

just wanted to say that
i am happy! =D
things are good.
need to stop eating cookies..
and remember..
it's your choice babe..;o)

who wants to ride a horse thru utah? you know..blowing smoke rings? c'mon?

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 05:31:23 GMT

okay. so i feel horrible that
this will be the first time
that i will miss the pink dots
in a decade, even worse that
it is the EXACT ten year anniversary
of the first time i saw them.
i remember, was it destin who
said "keep on rockin' in the free world"
to edward? haha. the trio.
we were a good trio, but that has
passed. i could cry endless nights,
but i've discovered something tonight.

i'm bored of crying!
well, mostly.
tonight my party plans
burst..it was disappointing
because ..it would have been
the perfect end to such a beautiful
year.
i can't express how much music
means to me..ever.
how much this one man means
to me..ever.
so the combination of the
two..makes me want to burst
into bubbles of all those
nice and fluffy vulgar things..
(?) like sex on cupcakes?
wha?

but. that is life. and
ya know..we'll figure something
else out.
we'll be heading off to new orleans
friday. i'm anxious and excited.
happy that my bff and her meester
is going to be there as well
this weekend! =D
oh look out! the last time
we shared the streets of new
orleans i was puking on curbsides
and she almost whooped me arse!
=X hehehe. i'll never live my
stories down, and neither will
she. that's why we are bff. =P

there was a thought.
and then there was not.
i am the ..ladder? i like
to pretend so i can climb
the thought and figure it
out later.

? cupcakes?!

mmmmmmm.

okay. i really must go
to sleep or pretend to
as being able to update
without being at work
is a bit ..nice..and
i could write a novel, but
it'd be more like
poe-try and nobody wants
that!

i know i know don't want to hear it just sayin'

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 19:42:09 GMT

My August Repost

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 16:20:13 GMT

8:15 a.m. aug. 6th 1945
hiroshima 140,000 killed

11:02 a.m. aug. 9th 1945
Nagasaki 70,000 killed

i usually have some long winded rant. but this year i think a simple, g'night will do, g'night to a woman i never knew, and when august comes around..and i'm reminded of ..the chain reaction of her ...life..and country..and feel, as if it were a thief in shape of a bomb. sleep well japan..one day my feet will meet your soil.

born were three
in an august night
a funeral of one
came December's call
left for him now
are two
placed inside my palms
dare not disturb
with a false hand in mine
for such attempts
shall awake a grip
of violence everytime

thank you

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:34:59 GMT

to all those who gave me hugs
and hellos over the past few
weeks. i lied. i could cry..
and i did. and i'm not done
yet. it is in silly things
like, "who will i give my pennies to?"
and it is in buffet cookies?
and i miss him.
and sometimes late at night
when i'm trying to sleep
i can only see the last minutes
of his face..and it disturbs me.

you can smoke now. i broke
and i've smoked about 5 packs
since my grandfather passed.
i still plan on quitting..
but...eh.

i listened to my mother
sing the same song that
i hummed to him an hour
before he passed.
amazing grace..and it
gets me everytime.

they left me in the
room just ..the two
of us ..and i didn't
know what to say..
so i just half teared
up and hummed and half
sang..quiet..and his stare
was lost..and in that
moment i wished that he
would go ahead and let go..
he was no longer ..who he
was..

rawr. sorry haven't really
been able to talk about it..
write about it...etc etc..
everyone has been thru it
or going thru it..and some
much worse..i'm grateful
for those who are in my
life i am grateful to have
known ross connie phillips
for 28 years...and i just
hope that he was a bit
proud of me. the sad thing
is..he was..of me quitting
smoking. ha on fathers day
we shared a piece of chicken..
he actually got up in his
chair on father's day..

rawr.

okay.sorry.
just needed to spill.

i miss him.
and you.
and you.

sweet bearded poet.

Sun, 11 May 2008 14:35:27 GMT

one day i'll
wake up and
i won't feel
like i have to
puke.

one day.

one day i'll
understand.

one day.

one day i'll finish
all these projects
running in my headsoftspotthoughts.

one day you'll own up
and be the man i knew for
over a decade.
one day.

it's almost been a year.
what is an anniversary?
murder and my heart..
share the same.
it's kindof cruel.

it's surreal to
use the word..
sometimes.
the reality.

i ran into a kid at
work.
he asks. it's almost
been a year and everyone
still asks. even the
ones who i have told
we no longer speak..
they come running
with questions.
it doesn't throw me
to ill..anymore..
just a twitch.

i've yet to hear
from kiley or brandi.
sometimes, it doesn't
bother me..i think
about both of them
everyday. some may
say it's pathetic to
hold on to people
who have let you go.
*shrugs* i guess
i hate to walk away
when i don't know why?
i crave to understand
people..it hurts my
bones to think about
what i did? was i
a horrible friend?
i've gone over in my
mind a lot ...of last
year. unfortunately a
lot of last year is a bit
cloudy.

how did i lose
it that much last year?

anywho happy mother's day
to those of you who have
the lil'ones and happy
birthcontrol day to those
of you who don't! =)

i truly am grateful
for my mum!! <33
and all the mums i know!
<333

okay!
write me a letter
why don'tcha?
okay.

not only to those
in the swamp and
the prison!
anyone! <33
i love true
snail mail!
miss it like
the dickens.

ps.i quit
smoking and
i made a B in
Spanish I would have
liked an A, but eh.

yesterday at the onion
they were teaching
the girl there spanish i
helped, and then it made
my heart happy b/c i asked
her what her first language
was..and it was swahili..
so i got to speak to her
a very very very tiny bit
in swahili! <333
it reminded me why i
want to work with language.
communication!! <333 is.
beautiful.

mush mush. O_o

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 14:33:30 GMT

it's funny to me everytime
someone says this. it reminds
me of my old neighbor in the
apartments in Pinson. powder
eggs. his aged mother. war
stories. sometimes despite
what they say having parents
who worked late..wasn't so
shabby after all.

my stomach is in knots.
not sure why. because i've
been up since 5:30 stressing
about the last week of school.
b/c i've only had one cig in
two days. left overs from
the past weekends rawr of tummy
troubles.
the past weekend was not mine
to smile.
but i managed.
the car being busted into..
ahh welcome home ritual in
southside i'm convinced.
tummy aches keeping me from
my planned fun. do you know
how much rearranging i did!?
rawr! my grandfather ended
up in the hospital, they
think it's liver cancer.
last year it was bladder
cancer..but that has all
cleared up. hmm. i know it's
wrong, but i can't cry about
it. he's 72, and i can just
picture him being ill that people
keep making a fuss about him.
my aunt also just found out
she is 8 weeks preggars.
congrats. so ofcourse she
is all "why does he have to
die now" i think it's the hormones
as i reminded her "erm, he's not
dead jim!" (ok, her name isn't
jim, but you know!)

in a strange way if anything
else i think he'll live to see
her child be born. people have
a tendacy to do things like that.
people hold on.
it's in our nature.
my granny literally held on until
my mom could get there.
i'm a firm believer your spirit
will keep ya afloat sometimes!

next week will be beautiful.
i will understand spanish.
i will understand what the
hell i'm doing with this
here future.

and yes.
as always.
i adore that man.
<3

whistling in the dark.

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 03:28:07 GMT

yeah.
things are grand.
new apt.
i love.
and.
that boy.
and.
you!

i need a couch.

i hate tuesday mornings
thrift store hunts!

they say apple bananas
are good for foreplay?
this makes my eye twitch
a little.

you should come over
and make shrinky dinks.

or maybe burn some fish.

firealarms.

atleast this time it
isn't b/c the shower
refuses to be on any
other level of temp
than friggen torching
skin peeling hot.

walk.march.dance?

flowers.
they're coming.

under my skirt and in my heart...

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 22:01:02 GMT

the party was smashinggggg dawlin'!
i had a whole heck of a lot of fun
and MC kicked some major ass!! <333
my valentine weekend was great all around
actually!
i received flowers for the first time..
and from a man i once thought would
never..well! what's for thinking!

got to spend some "quality drunk time"
with the girls.
sat was clean a little...sleep a lot ..
we went and saw HoneyDripper ..it was
good! then stayed in and watched A Face
in the Crowd...
woke up early Sunday to watch the
hotel implode. i realize this isn't
much to anyone else, but these are
the things that make me smile the most.
having someone by my side who has just
as much passion, mischief, and longing
for new experience as i do. <33
(maybe a tad bit more!? but he gives
me a good push every now and then!)

someone by my side who loves
to make people say HUH!? just
as much as i do!! hehe.
i adore mike gaut..with all me
bones and tippy toes!

i'm excited about future projects
he's working on!
we'll talk about it later mmkay!

dirt bombs are going to be
at bottletree april fools day!
come on!

spamalot soon!
beach, memphis..
boston in June!

i love my friends and
family and my extended
family at work!
<33

i finally gave in and
purchased a book i said
i didn't need.
we'll see.
(no, not the dictionary!! jack ass!!)
heh.
O_o

house parteh!

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 14:46:43 GMT

in the begining. well it was going
to be a st. valentines day massacre party
and i had planned on a few queenies..
but i still hope some dress up we just
kindof got distracted. but who gives
a feefaaafuck because you're going to
have fun! right! ?
right!
you don't need money just
your own drinking supplies
heh..and your dancing shoes!

model citizen! <333
i'm a happy gal.

wither to bloom !

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 21:33:50 GMT

things.

finding out the owner and his son of
the pizza joint you were practically raised
in died..was odd. didn't realize how that
would ...make such a O_o make me feel old.
with 28 looming ...and all this grown up stuff..
and bones popping...(it's musical! ha)
kiley had a trial yesterday.
i'm assuming that it was for the theft and
possesion..not the actual murder ...b/c
that wasn't in Birmingham. i don't know how
to feel anymore about the situation.
i could allow myself to get upset about it.
yes...10 years sucked out of my life with a single
bullet...but .....
some positive things have come from this years
crisis overload. =D

i think i have my sweater on backwards.
yes. yes i do.

sorry i try to do these quick updates b/c
i have no computer. i have access to them
at work but it's weird and feels invasive
to write on blogs/journals etc at your
work.. *shivers* i'm at my sister's
and i have no idea how to make her puter
make noise and that makes me sad.
that's the main thing i miss about having
computer access the music. =(
oh well! priorities!

i got a new bed. it's nice.
w00t.

which means my birthday and xmas will be
slim... but that's okie i needed a new bed.

i keep making half ass attempts at quitting
smoking.
i smoke less, but i still smoke so what's the
point?
it would save me money.
i'm horribly broke and the sad things is
i don't remember being this broke when
i was out drinking everynight and had
625$ rent and making less money? how
did that happen!?

(beer must be cheaper than happiness?!)

mike still makes me smile like a goob! =)
he'll be gone a lot the next two months
but eh..that's life. if he weren't doing
what he loved, than he wouldn't be the same
man i heart...so much!

i have my final next week.
interview tomorrow.
erm.

i want a pony!
(no yellow shoes!)

no no red boots with ribbons!

O_o

oh yeah! ha, have you ever
been to the jesus rehab talent
show? i can now say that i have.
i must admit it was a good mix
of entertainment and terror.
it was good to see destin though,
he's put on some pounds so that makes
me happy! it may seem a bit O_o to know
that one of your best friends is in a rehab
that "recovers thru god" but whatever works.
he said we should go christmas carolling and
sing sympathy for the devil. heh. he's still
destin. always will be. we were talking about
working on some projects..writing projects
together. that makes me happy.

that's been the only step in my life that
i need to be proactive about this year.
as this "new" turn or whatever ya want
to call it, has come about this year...
i have never put the effort forth to
really get my writing out there..i've always
had that attitude "i do it for myself, i do
it because i have to..i do it.." and while
that's all great and dandy and it is mostly
true..ofcourse i'd love to be publish ..
the ego myth! we
all want to be able to live out our dreams..
that's just human. we want to be validated
no matter what we proclaim.
whether it be in love, friendships, career
or family. we want someone to be proud.
right?
maybe.

i adore those in my life...
i need to head home.
take a nap before going out tonight.
as i have a busy day tomorrow.

hope you all are doing well this
holiday season!
love ya!
happy holidays!