Fluffy Tufts and Raindrops

procrastination.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:24:48 GMT

is my favourite past time. i have a rough draft due tomorrow.

i knew what i wanted to write about, something easy breezy keep me going b/c my mental state can't really handle beyond easy breezy for classes right now. and then. well, let's just say someone made me feel about the size of a molecule for my decision and now i'm questioning once again times three what the fuck i'm doing. atm i don't need to be brilliant i need to get done with school. ya know? or should i push myself harder? or should i blame the world for my problems and just play cool...quit everything and pretend it was someone else's fault. i've also been debating the state of my mental health, the various downs lately have not really scared me they aren't as dramatic as when i was younger. i will not stand in front of trains while screaming at my sister and her best friend who always called me nappy headed. i will not scream that "If you don't care then I don't care" and then scram as soon as that train really gets close. (to an 8 year old that close was prob pretty far away, but ya know it was the point. "Quit calling me names and making me carry your books!")

no, now they are scary in a different way. but these worries as an adult, i realize that they are the same as everyone else, "But i'm not like everyone else". Yes, yes you are. *sigh*

in the end. i want to create atleast one beautiful thing in my life. one. that's all i'm asking. and no, nothing with lungs please.

speaking of trains. i feel like i've been run over by one. sleep doesn't seem to come easy and quite frankly doesn't seem to help. i need rest. someone create comatose..legal forms...of comatose.

i need a cleanse.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:27:03 GMT

emotionally. physically.
and all the lly's i need something
to run thru me and remind me
what the hell i'm doing.

i feel sluggish. and i can't
really blame it on new orleans
and lots of po boys and the
deep fried roaches. O_o
well.

i did however manage not
to smoke during our halloween
weekend. i know that i will be
a non smoker complete by
next year. but sometimes i feel
like there is more to me that i
quit when i decided to quit smoking.
and that is where all the confusion comes
in.

i've gained almost 10 lbs the past
year. and while that doesn't seem
like much and i'm sure someone
and everyone has their sob story.
but it makes me feel...this is the first
time i've gained weight since me and
mike. and it feels a lot more awkward
than when i was single. i'm even more
insecure than i was as fat and single.
i can't explain.

my little brother is going to join a
gym on this side of town. i may join
wtih him. since i'm feeling quite homeless
lately. so i'm here and there. between the
parents. i'd love to see my little bro' lose weight.
he's over 300lbs and i worry about his health.
i'd love to see me lose weight as well!

oh one day!

i feel like i have nothing new to
say here.i guess i may perhaps should
start talking to people instead of machines .
might help more.

anywho.
halloween was awesome!

jane's addiction and flaming lips.
w00t!
my teenage ear continues.

O_o

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:28:20 GMT

october. my favourite month.
why is it that so many things
change in october?
why is it that i seem to
love love love me some
tori more and more and
more like a 15 year old
dyed red haired girl these
days? maybe b/c it's my
half life? now?

my little brother's birthday
is monday. his wife expressed
on facebook to him and all his
friends that they were getting
a divorce yesterday. what a classy
girl? i realize that she is only 22 or
23 and her generation doesn't seem
to understand INSTA-COMMUNICATION
and the consequences. i'm SO happy
i'm done with the first 25 years and
still have some patience and understanding
and less paranoia that the world is watching
and knowing and so i must apologize
before i ever do and then some.

also, we have to finish packing and
get moved out before we go to
new orleans. kelly, when are you
going to new orleans? next thur.

also, also, also. my head is about to
cave in.

we are going to wait until after the
pumpkin carving party to take down
the walls and such.

i hope we can clear the house
from the mess we've been making
before Sat. this weekend
is going to be hectic. =(

next week is going to be hectic
as well, but hopefully we can
get it all done.

i hate whorebagcuntrags.
one..in its singular form i love,
but when bunched together..
i hate.

YES even RAGS alone, i love?
wha? like HELLO?
hehe.

i wish i were irresponsible
right now.

but alas, gotta gotta do..

b/c.

"you're not a cop out either. "

thoreau and douche nozzles.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:47:17 GMT

maybe it's my lack of intellect, but i kindof
think thoreau is a douche.
maybe it's just me.
i have 100 pages to go and
eh. my eyes are about to pop out
of my head.

we're moving.
into.
his parents.
basement apartment.

this is a good thing.
just a stressful thing.
mostly the move itself and
the thought of traffic out that
way.

i made an apple pie.
it was yummy.

i really wish i had the next
three weeks off from
work.

we have vacation in
the middle of this
mess. i hope i can cross
state lines and slowly
forget everything that is
going on.

the landlord like thoreau
is a douche.

sheet rock is in the
floor of what was to
be my room.

it makes me most irritated
because i know that alls he
is going to do is patch it and
charge someone else twice
as much as we pay.

mother.
fucker.

the worst is my moms
surprise birthday party
falls on our last weekend
to move sturf.
which i can only maybe
get that sunday off, but
the thing is this means we
have to try to get this shit
done before then.

i need a few more hours.
to post journals about how
i need a few more hours?
and so on and so forth.

need a little joy.

(i have lots i'm being
selfish)

i want to write you out of my life.

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 05:39:19 GMT

but there you are. speaking to me thru books and film that i know you once loved. staring me down thru liquors and baked goods. bleeding my ears out from air mail and songs that i remember ..i remembered...what i thought they meant. now. now what? would i beg of some closure?

replacing who? loathe. i wonder if you loathe me in the same way? what better finale? i have the courage to extend or the ignorance to care?

anorexic down.

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 19:31:46 GMT

it's odd to come home followed by a fire engine that
stops right in front of your house.
O__0
they just parked in front of our house to grab
one of the folks next door. in case you have
forgotten we live next door to an eating disorder
facility.

speaking of food. i tried the turnips with
maple and cardamom today. they were
yummy! can't wait to make them for turkey
day. i'm excited to actually make something
for turkey day this year! i may even attempt to
make a pie! =) although, my mum is the baker
of the family. cookies. god. cookies. yes.
almighty cookies. the spirit is in the dough?

in class today i realized that i may just take
as many english classes as possible.
quit worrying with math and science for
now. okay i realize i should use the approach
do the hard things first, get them over
with, but i really need to focus on getting
some shit done with school. i have been
going at these molases pace since
i came home from Texas.

there is something there. between
me and school. =) maybe the outcome
will be completely different than what
i expected, but there is a spark that
i am fond of in a way i can not explain.

i have to go to work now.
speaking of, sunday nights in retail
are strange. the woman who was a
bitch and mean to me in the past was
super nice and apologetic about her
ignorance and offering recipes for
pumpkin bread. (she couldn't tell
the dif between zucchini and cucumbers)

other folks were just ripe cunts all around.
to such extents that ..well...what a bore
to bitch about work!

"work's over rated and it will kill you"

piano magic.

if you haven't already....go listen now!

emotional heimlichs, yellow jackets, lung monkeees, and papa lazarou

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 02:47:45 GMT

i realized i've been quite a depressed and stressed monkee lately.
speaking of monkeeeees. i had a lung test today. the image
on the computer were these monkeys hiding behind the leaves..
when you blew into the little tube thingamabob it blew all the
leaves away and there were the monkeeeess!!! i do believe this
test was meant for the weeeee ones.

speaking of the "weeeee ones"..i do believe i'd be ten times
more amusing if i had a British accent. and/or were simply British.
more specifically...either jen saunders or dawn french. thank you.

and... hellloooo dave!

my ankle hurts. i haven't been stung by a bee since the
third grade. i almost jumped out of a car once because
a bee was in it. not allergic, just have an emotional issue
with the fuckers. i forgot how much it hurts.

i dropped my math class. which puts me
down for 12390523895672379568w49 years at
the two year college.
i hate when people question why i am going, but
mostly because half the time i can't honestly answer.
it's a plan b. booo and hiss i know.

if only i could have manic days all the time.
=D

i made my first pie today!! it is ...erm..mega
tart. i was so worried about the crust i didn't
even think to worry about the berries.
the crust was good though!! w00t. just need
to learn how to roll a bit prettier.

pretty pretty pretty.

i want a dog and am slightly depressed
knowing that i prob won't have one for
a long time. and it will be a battle to get
one.

*sighs*

i do believe i've produced enough
emotional vomit for a valid entry.

someone ...
i need a pen!!!!!

whoooooooo areeeeeeeeeeee youuuu?

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:06:00 GMT

just awaiting the return of some
familiar faces.

inviting inviting the new ones
just to forget to call.

saw results the first time today.
and now i want cake.

school starts soon.
a body was found by the
campus last week.

a few weeks before someone
was attacked in the bathroom.

so this may be my last round with
this particular community college.

i need to go take a shower.

i miss some folks.
and some folks i wish they'd
just simply get out of my brain.

"get it out ..get it out..
get your fucking voice..
out of my headddddddddddd....."

damn i miss the cure days.

hunting for a bathing suit at
the end of the season and at
this size is no fun.

the kids are wearing tutus now?

i'm jealous!!!

where were these cool points
when i had my TUTU!? hehe.
DO OVER!!!!

okie.

she's addicted to nicotine patches...

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 21:18:50 GMT

tori was amazing.
i needed it even more
than i thought i would.
now for the shoveling ..
throw the dirt back over
all those things it surfaced.
cornflake girl? when the fuck
did cornflake girl give me tears?

never was.

i've realized that the further i
get from my past..
the more confused i become.
is this is a good thing?
leaving behind murderers..
drug addicts..lonely northern lass (yes, yes i did)

possibly.
it's not all the negative actions..
i've got to get out of my upside down sideway
head..
it's all the positive things..i need
to strain..shift..towards something ..
refreshing and mind numbing..without
chemicals..chemicals..chemicals.
i can taste them in the back of my
throat.

speaking of..the back of my throat.
why is my will power always on
trial?
i'm tired of counting calories..
nicotine..and ..

"but kelly no one said this
was going to be easy"
well fuck you.

school starts again soon.
the phone doesn't ring much..
and my conversations..
a cup of hawaii..with a dead
lady and forgotten friends.

i must admit. i'm feeling on
the lonely side lately.

mike can't handle the whole
of the burden that is me.
he can..and he tries..but
it's not fair.
besides. he has a penis
and sometimes there are
things that need to be
said straight from one cunt
to another. ya know?

*Sighs*

i'm inviting you and you and
you..to my pity party.
we'll be well hung tomorrow..
and forget about it. because
you know how fucking boring i
think pity parties are..but
i'll crash a few here and there.

okie.

There's No Forgetting

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:51:00 GMT

If you should ask me where I've been
I must reply: "It happens."
I must speak of the soil obscured by the stones,
of the river destroyed while still existing.
I know only things that birds lose,
The ocean left behind, or my weeping sister.
Why are there so many regions?
Why does one day join with another day?
Why does a black night accumulate in the mouth?
Why do the dead exist?
If you should ask from where I came,
I must speak about broken things.
About utensils far too bitter,
About huge beasts often decayed, and about
my distressed heart.

All that have passed have not been memories
Nor is what sleeps in forgetfulness a yellow dove,
But rather, faces wet with tears, fingers at the throat,
And all that collapses from the leaves;
The obscurity of a day gone by,
A day fed with our sad blood.

I'll show you violets, swallows
And all that pleases us and appears
On the pretty large postcards
Sent back from places that time and sweetness
visit on their trip.

But let's not penetrate beyond the teeth
let's not chew on the husks that silence accumulates. (******)
Because I do not know what to answer:
There are so many dead,
And so many seawalls that the red sun has damaged,
And so many heads that the ships strike,
And so many hands that have imprisoned kisses,
And so many things that I want to forget.

Pablo Neruda

in all caps

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 03:24:33 GMT

the txt read
"NOT GUILTY"

and I was in D.C.
for the first time.
running..
down flights of stairs
to cross to buildings
..to buildings to memorials..
to to to "justice"

i adored D.C. in the
few hours I got to spend
with her..and I can't
wait to go again and
sit inside the Library of Congress
for hours and hours and hours
instead of a quick run through..
(to get the reader cards was worth
it thanks to Emily for helping me find
my way a bit!)

the past two years have seen so many
changes.
and the "not guilty" sets me free.
i know he won't call again.
he's with her.
i know she won't call again..
she's stubborn.
and i'm free for the first time
in 2 years. over 2 years..

don't get me wrong.
my heart still hurts..but
what more can i do?

this year has been amazing
and shall continue to be amazing!
mike is amazing..that man..
who runs with me..and allows
me to have a freedom ...that
no one else ever wanted to give..

anywho!!!! shadddup you goob!

inkblood.
bloodink?

yes.

my grandfather has been dead
for a year.
his grave is still unmarked.
i still have his teeth.
i miss him.

two more books to read
before school starts again.
i'm glad that i am going to stick
with school. mike's bass player..
helps to keep the dream alive.
a lot of folks say to quit school
and live..but learning for me
is living..and if at the end of
this path..some fool allows
me to teach ...mwahahahahah!
i'm excited for the future.

CHER IN DECEMBER!!! haha.
me and me mum are celebrating
our landmark birthdays in VEGAS!
w00t.
i can't wait. she's going to be 25
and i am turning sweet 16. yesh.

;)

Book of Love

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 02:35:52 GMT

i'm in love with the idea. hope that Ama gets to see
her dream come true & hope that I get to help her
out. Look into One World Cafe.

We go to Baltimore next week. Wed.
I"m excited worried...excited..worried..
Getting to see DC before I am 30 is
a bit of a..w00t for me!
Also, getting to see the Dead Milkman!!!
heh. makes me very happy.

Today was the GA aquarium day..
whales. seadragons.otters.lines.lines.childrensceaming.

and it was good.

hmm.
i have no deep thoughts. i'm exhausted.

thanks to monkeee!

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 18:43:53 GMT

i now have a copy of this audio book. while i will do
my best to continue this book

(which i am enjoying quite well!) i will prob break at
some point and have to stop and listen.
while the physical vacations are nice and well
needed. it's wonders what a mental vacation
can do for you. (me!) and lately it has def
been in books. simply reading. it has also
been in juice! lol
it seems silly and i've never used a kitchen
contraption this much before. it's relaxing
and fun and ..i don't care what you say!
;)

thus far celery, apple, and cucumber &
orange, grapefruit and lemon are my favourite!

as i am approaching 30 which eh...it's a bit
O_O but when i sit down, not so much. I find
that as i get a bit older, (just a bit goddamnit!)
that while fun is still just as amazing and thrills
and excitement and new new..gimme something
new..the idea of meaning has started to peek in
to my life. not my own meaning or my life's meaning..
rather than doing things that have meaning and impact
on others in a positive way.

it's refreshing to learn the art of selfishness
and selflessness.
they are both a required class in life..imho.
don't be stingy but don't just give it away.
(now!?) heh.

OH! i made a B in my dummy math class!!
w00t!! i am pretty sure there is a mistake
somewhere, but this encourages me to
continue with my education. if you've
been around me you know how down i've
been about this aspect of my life..how confused
i've been. well there are two moments that
helped me. a conversation that i just listened
to ..and the fact that i made a b instead of a D as
i thought! w00t! (really a math class did make
the decision for me ..well mostly)
listening to other teachers..and even though
they say "it's the hardest job i've ever had, but
goddamnit i love it" is an amazing thing to hear.

anywho!
today i went to meet with the WE Gardens
i do hope that i stick with this volunteering.
it's amazing to be sitting in a community
garden. it reminds me of my grandfather.
how his garden started to die and now is
no more..it's been almost a year..and i still
get choked up. father's day is going to be hard,
but we'll manage. i feel like volunteering for a
community garden in some way is my ..
way of refusing to forget him. it's amazing
what a little hope and folks with determination
can do ..to streets that are known more for
crime than their compost station (which is
amazing! why am i so fascinated with compost?)
okay.
i'm shutting it now!
but to leave you with this in mind!
never trust a klingon..mwahahaha.

what are you up to?

ohh and ps. read this. NOW.

Thu, 28 May 2009 22:07:24 GMT

before reading i suggest a small pocket d.r. slang book near by. a brush up on DR history and a box of tissues.
i guess for me and most of my friends the brush up on the sci-fi nerdiness isn't really needed. you'll get the ref
to the various authors, comics, games, etc.
there are many levels why this book is amazing. knowing the levels of being an outcasts. i do have a pattern and i think matt is right. i can respect anyone, but my love is reserved for those who have to fight. reserved for those who can't just crawl back up in their parents hole and be free to "escape" life and all it's demands, because LIFE AND ALL ITS DEMANDS are bitch slapping you in the face. those who can not rely on any merit of beauty to save them. those who know how to survive. i'm still learning.

this book also gives you an amazing story teller. i will never be as fluid..but maybe one day!
i cried 30 pgs in. maybe it was knowing this kid..in different ways growing up. knowing my brother. and that's horrible to say that's so horrible to compare...b/c he's a big boy and god did he let the women folk destroy him. we were by default..geek kids. knowing my sister...knowing me. knowing the folk lore in my (your) own family. it's a family history, a geek love story, and a violent wake up call to the DR history.

*sigh*
i just got finished reading it an hour ago.

anywho.
now i want some history books.

okay.

cough up a swallow.

Thu, 28 May 2009 21:50:57 GMT

always
his trial was postponed yet again.
my emotions towards this
whole ordeal are becoming
slightly post poned.
i spent months of nights that
i can barely remember..nights
that sit in my throat..that
haunt me..because of the
stupidity of thinking that caring
for someone holds up in this
court..of friendship?
granted the down fall was
almost a year old by the
time he put the gun to his
head..
i spiraled with justification at this
point.

i'm exhausted from that feeling of
caring more for someone..something..
a friendship that i once held with
white fists..and now. he'd rather
have his "lovely" mentor of demise
by his side than any friend.

eh. it's okay.

i've been treated worse and better.
that's life.

the past few weeks have
been a bit refreshing.
i know why i love my friends.
they're not cowards.
i am, but they're not and
they hold me to their standards!
thank you!

(soooooo bored of cowards!)

the contemplation of what i want
to do with this here life o'mine..
i have no fucking clue..but
it'll work out. =)

the book store. to be the
book maker. oh to live
in a time where i could be..
maybe?

finding out one of the clothing
lines in our store is from alabama..
i feel silly for not knowing this before
hand..eh. makes me happy.

let's start something?
start birmingham?
remember that?

blood red earth?

oh. we'll get there.

joy. bursting.
bursting.
despite.
despite.
them there ass holes in
every on every around every
shape state lines..lines...lines..
many being had!
believe in something beyond
a preplanned failure!

w00t.

and now...
kelly and caylar's dreams of
def poetry that i found when gutting
my old room and old apartment and
and and and my old life. Mos Def will
be mine one day. =)

don 't be offended if you know who
you are. lol. think of the nights..
yup. those nights.

Type your cut contents here.

1. you said
2. i think it's time to sever ties
1.yeah, i think you're right
b.and i think it's funny
2.someone who doesn't have any friends now has enough
to afford
1.to exchange them for enemies who happened
to be bored at the moment
2.of talking about one another

b. atleast i own up
YES I TALK SHIT
1.but what do you do you fucking hypocrite
2.you turn it into a he said, she said, i didn't say
nothin'
2.you think i got this way on my own?
1.just let me jog your memory remember
i was your apprentice at the age of b.15/19
2.you said bitch verbalize it, 1. make it a joke
egg it on
2.like your rage became the punchline
1.like your heartaches became songs
2.because you wanted a mirror
1.someone you could mold
2.so in your self-esteem deficient existence you
wouldn't
feel so alone
1.or have to act your age

2.Fuck me for not seeing thru you then
1.Fuck me for taking your advice
2.Fuck me for thinking I could trust you then
1.Fuck me, oh..uh..wait you did!

2.Correct me if I am wrong
but wasn't it
I-Who loved you
I-Who fought for you
I-who defended you
I-Who supported you
b.While EVERYONE (not just four) WAS LAUGHING IN MY FACE?
for loving-YOU
for defending-YOU
'for supporting-YOU

b.it's funny how your friendships change
depending on
2.your finacial status
1.who you be tappin' dat ass with
2. and the refills of medications that you
refuse to claim
1.because you're convinced that your life
is a product of
b."Everyone's to blame"
2.For your expanded waistline
1.For how much hair you've lost
2.For an unfinished bathroom
1.For how much friends cost

1.As for the moral obligation I might
have felt
2.had it not been for your presentation brought
'to me in form of modern day communication
1.And the last thing you had to say
b.WAS NEVER SAID
2.but rather-spell-checked, 1.back spaced, 2.capitalized
1.custom fonted, 2. and re-read
1.which showed me it was callous, 2. mulled over
1.thought thru, 2. collaborated, 1.stylized and 2. planned
2. While I was out working for...b.YOU?
You dumb piece of shit!
1.You who can end a relationship with..
2.Your mail has been sent!

1.back up 2.rewind this conversation and b.remind yourself who you're
talking to
1.i know your formula
2.i know your language
1.i know your next big move
2.i know your motives
1.i know your ego is even bigger than your ass
2.so you will never admit that perhaps you were
WRONG
as if that degree that new found conscience
1.that six-month-too-late-on-my-voicemail-sorry-ass-
mumbled-st-st-stuttered-er-erm-apology
b.is supposed to impress me?

2.You want to say this city is dead
1.Your own personal barrier
2.another excuse to fail
1.because it's easier than trying
2.there is no city to accuse
1.no state line to cross
2.no time zones to enter
1.no new faces to meet
2.that changes the fact b.that you are your own defeat
1.so get OUT
2. GO
1.Who's standing in your way?
2.Frankly, my city doesn't need your bitching, 1. your lying, 2. your whining,
1."Noone likes me" 2. "Noone talks to me anymore"
1."Noone invites me b.and "I DON"T KNOW WHY?"

2.Maybe it's the hand crafted
1.ribbed for her pleasure
b.b-b-b-b-BULLSHIT
1.Just for me
2.so you don't have to say
1.those lies that aren't really lies
2.those cowardly confessions
1.just implied
2.to spare MY feelings
1.by using someone else's words
2.so you can be Oh so witty!
1.or Oh so deep!
2.Or OH SO Mysterious!
b.instead of OH SO EASY TO DELETE!

1.So, you think that you've really hurt me
2.that you've left me all alone?
1. That you and these FOUR
2. Yes, not ONE Ladies and Gentlemen
1.Not TWO but a GRAND TOTAL OF
b.Four
2.close friends are going to put an end
to me?
b.who died and made you amazing?

2.by the way i just love your grand delusion
that slamming a receiver in my face makes
YOU the better person

1.let me schooooooool you BOY

1.While you're left standing
with the five friends
2.that you can't even trust
I have an international entourage
b.to BACK ME UP.

b.bitch.

pepto, bruises, and how many more meds can i possibly take?

Mon, 04 May 2009 00:50:49 GMT

so i went to the doctor friday because the pain in my chest had
become quite rawr to the point of tears. i had fallen ..well..not
exactly. to fall one eventually hits the floor right? well the stage
at bottletree caught me right across the chest. tis life.
ecspecially when you're drunk. these injuries are always
a down side. the pain seemed to be getting worse as the
week went on and that's why i went to the doc. i wasn't really
worried that i had broken anything, b/c i feel it would have
been much more intolerable.
to the point. i make mention to the doc that i've been feeling
weak and tired for almost a month straight now and can't
figure it out. (i was going to wait until after finals to see
if my energy levels came back up etc i am all too familiar
with the stress.depressed enduced fatigue) so somehow
to him this sounded like ..pneumonia. O_o i am puzzled
because as an asthmatic child i feel i would know if i had
any form of this illness, b/c i had it quite regular until i was
18 .. anywho. so then he pulls at my neck and asks "do you
just have a fatty neck..hmm" and to this i don't even respond.
after he sees me without really listening for 10 minutes he
decides to test me for the mycoplasma in my lungs
and thyroid issues and ..etc etc. anywho, he comes back
to prove me wrong after i tell him my lungs only hurt
b/c i quit smoking and b/c i fell on my chest ..

anywho. he tells me i have walking pneumonia and says
he'll call me for any other test results.
he prescribes me a few ..and gives me "samples" ..
for pain.
i'll just say i have been more sick since taking the
medicine than i have been in the past ..really
since the food poisoning incident wha? a year
ago?

i am just now able to sit up at a constant rate.
i think it's part stubborn b/c i have so much to
do between now and tomorrow at 8am.

it's frustrating.
to never fully understand your own body.
to never fully understand what and why
they are prescribing you certain meds.
how long have these meds been around?
etc etc.
ofcourse if you're like me you have this
"but if i don't take them what if i get worse?"
lucky for me the two that i suspect are giving
me the worst problems are not the antibiotics.
along with the new rx i also have a few others
that i take on a daily basis.
i am just begining to wonder why?
(other than the no baby pills)

i wish i could find a doc that understood
these concerns.

anywho. pepto. so this is my drink for
the weekend. last night at around 2am..
i'm laying in bed tired of the pain and
realizing that i have no one without my
mum or mike being there. (they were
both out of town) i mean shan and amanda
would/will come to my rescue pretty much
any time of day or night and any where within
the 50 states..but i felt a need for pepto
and some nurturing was not cause to
call someone at 2am.

oh and inbetween the brief waking
to puke kiley texts me.
his trial starts tomorrow at 8:30am.
this puts another stab in the heart.

so the point? at 2am i manned up
and went to go get some pepto
and drove to my parents house.
not realizing how bad it was raining
over here. my pops and bro were
still gone at a poker game..
so i downed the pepto and
crashed ..i have been asleep for
the majority of the past 24 hours.
as in about 19 of those hours.
i still have a paper due tomorrow.
i still have a math final tomorrow.
i'll make the paper, but the math
final is kindof going to be a bust.

wrapping my mind around anything
right now is most impossible.

i am babbling.

point is ..it sucks to be sick and no one to bring you pepto.

i spend a lot of money for people to tell me what i already know and what i don't want to know

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 02:16:27 GMT

so i'm reading this..and while it's a good read..b/c the quirky reporter
gets her hands a bit dirty to prove a point..but in every page i can't
help but hum to myself some good ol'fashion pulp "still you'll never
get it right..cuz when you're laying in bed at night watching..
roaches climb the wall..you can call your dad and stop it all..
YOU"LL NEVER BE LIKE COMMON PEOPLE!" etc etc..you
know the rest.
when she becomes a victim of unknown skin rash she calls her
dermatalogist to get him to help her out. now, i feel that i'm on a higher
level of work than those i've read about in this book thus far..and if you know
me you know my troubles with my skin...i have free health insurance and i
still do not feel that my finacial status is up to paying for a dermatalogist.
(i could squeeze it in, but my tummy troubles and the lovely urinary tract issues
come before having a dermatalogist)
don't get me wrong she points these facts out about herself constantly...
and i give her applause for bringing to the table what WE"VE ALL KNOWN
that you can barely afford to be homeless on min. wage in this country.
i've worked for 5.15 an hour...luckily for me i was living with my parents
and had no car payment. the things we do to get by ..day to day...
amaze people who have never had to....
i try not to be rawr about the finacial status of others versus my own..
i think it gives us all character...we all feel like we have to fight to
prove we deserve what we have in this life..whether it be a rented
crap hole apartment with brown water or a four story house with
a lawnmower man (i really just wanted an excuse to say lawnmower
man ..mwahahaha!! this entire entry is for that purpose only!!!)

okay. don't get me wrong. i'm still highly enjoying the read.
it's a book that's was created ..to make you gripe...point fingers..
or have some kindof "oh my i treat my house lady like
shit" epiphany..lol.

i'm just happy that i'm reading. i've been lazy about that lately..
using school as an excuse for a lot of things. don't get me
wrong school continues to keep me on my stessfilledtippytoptoes,
but i need to adjust.
learn how to deal with life and work and school and friends and
family and that man that makes me squee and and and and
like the rest of the world.

i've been tired a lot lately. the past week..
hope i'm not coming down with anything. i doubt it.
just been running a lot lately i spose!

i have a new truth that is sitting in my hands.
it's a perception of truth..
it made me want to vomit at first listen..
now i'm curious..

where's the horse and let me sit
inside your mouth?
i want to hear saliva kindof truth...
(or do i?)

i dinnea.

for every mile, what do you get?

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:28:03 GMT

half an inch? that makes me?

last friday was needed.
sat and the alcohol poisoning
maybe not so much, but friday.
I knew what kind of night it was
going to be, because I've known
what kind of week it had been.

the stress of moving is creeping.
not just the moving the physical part..
the idea of letting go of some of the
control in my life.

it'll be fine. just tiny stress.
(mole hills out of mountains)
friday night while granted i was
super dee duper drunk before
MC even finished their set it reminded
me of how much i adore that man.

i've shared my second favourite
drunken moment with him.
that makes me happy.

here's to hoping i wasn't an asshole
just a drunk friday night.
somethings you just know the next
day, but that was a blackout drunk.
fun was had by all!

now let's do it again this weekend? heh
(maybe)
I do know that I AM IN SERIOUS NEED
of a REAL FUCKING VACATION!

why do i deprive myself of these things?
between, work, school, family, music
and mike. i feel guilty if i schedule anything
for myself completely. like i have to wait. the ironic
thing is ..my mom will be at the beach the first
week of may, and so will mike. i'll be at work.
granted mike's going to a wedding and my
mom is going toa nursing home convention..
she still invited me to go down.
my mom will prob have to take the Texas
trip without me as well, because she wants
to go in May or June. I haven't seen my bebe
cousins in two years. they've been in foster care
up until a few months ago.
don't get me wrong..
i'll be at the beach..wrong weekend but
it'll still be fun. (i hate that i was the one
who spoiled the fun bleh)

i prob won't be able to go to Kiley's trial.
because it is scheduled in june.

speaking of.
yes. i do live in the past a lot.
i'm trying to let it go and i've done a
much better job at it this year than
most any year in my life.
but my eyes glaze over sometimes..
and it is hard to see much else.
i remember.
too much.

details such tiny tiny details.

i want a nap before work.
stayed up til'4am working on
a paper. school is closed due
to power outage. trees were
down left and right.
uprooted.

i am
being

up rooted.

the last two days of the tour.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:34:24 GMT

i'll explain later. it's my theme for the day.
it's been a rough few weeks. okay rough two
weeks. there have been many a footsteps in
the "hotel on arlington"

enough!

just sleep deprived and anxious.
jaw is breaking. okay it just hurts..
has been hurting for two weeks
now. my dentist appointment is
wed. everyone and their mother
has asked for wed off. so i will get
the pleasure of going to school..
zipping to the dentist and then
zipping to work. (zipping? i see
a smart car in this scenario,
i do not have a smart car!
i want one!)

anywho i'm just whining.
life is great.
actually it's pretty good..
just a bit stressed letting
things get to me a bit too
sensy! (hey number one!)
i miss my bad late night t.v.
maybe that is it.
maybe it's the almost two months
of mostly (mostly) quitting smoking.
i've broken down under a pack of
cigs in the past 10 weeks.

hmm. what else? beach. yesh.
i kindof wish we were going to
ponderosa stomp again this
year. we said we would, we just
aren't. broke ostly..but we've
been busy.

my lil' bro and his wife are
back in Alabama.

feel like i am paying
a lot of money to be
a po'man in the end?
i think the avg
college student does.
*sigh*

leave me in your will,
one more grandkid around
this family and i'm out! heh.

yup.
that's about it. i have
to get to

work.

and remember.
"anything can happen in life..
ecspecially nothing, mainly nothing,
once you know that you're fine..
once you know that..
you can retire.."

and i feel like burning this town..(did you get it?!)

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 03:56:40 GMT

pretty much.
a big fuck you is my favourite pose.
fuck you to the thousandth person who has
told me which dermatalogist to go to to fix my face.
"well you can fix that hun, you just need some money"
"a bukowski face and a left tit will get you everywhere!"
O_o
i had a lot of fun the past weekend.
Model Citizen makes my heart happy and
makes me shake me arse!
good dose of r-o-c-k always makes
me happy!
the party, i finally figured out who he
was...nice to know!
-side note: weird noises outside.metal. clings-

then..the nick.
eh. it's the nick.
then back home to folks and the bar girl
throwing knives at the kitchen closet door.
and the bebe hatchet.
yes. fun filled weekend for all!

didn't get to see peelander z but
mike went for us both! heh.
so i got a nifty sticker! =)
which is needed as the radiohead
sticker is slowing peeling away
and god is peeking thru.
(it was my lil' bros truck he had
a jesus sticker i couldn't get off
so i placed a radiohead one over
etc)

i am currently NOT procrastinating
on a paper. no nopers. not i.
i am however procrastinating
about studying for my math test.

BLEH!

i really really can't wait for the
whole math part of my journey
to be over.

so which should it be?
prof? creative?
hmm.

watched american splendor
again last night. i love that
movie. *sigh*
okay. off to "study"

the things i have forgotten to learn.

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 06:14:09 GMT

i had a good day.
i went to the art
store and luckily for
me friendly face works
there and he is taking
a book arts class.
so he helped me a bunches.

i'm excited about all
the choices. i have
a paper to work on
so until that is settled
i can't get my hands
too dirty in the process.

all this going out lately
has ..reminded me that staying
in with my best best bestest
friend is the best thing sometimes.
(that man truly knows me protects
me and lurves me despite juke joint
jumpin' out of cars late night ha)

i am truly lucky.

me and mike went to the
ave maria grotto today.
it was fun.
you really should go!

i am tired of just saying.

kiley's trial isn't until
june. he called me.
one day i will get this
right.

oh and here i thought i was wrong.

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 01:18:41 GMT

i love my true friends.
thank you for never betraying
me.
for never letting me down.
for never being that person.
ya know the type.

those who could never really
have anyone unless they're
getting something out of the
deal. i'm glad to be able to
appreciate those around me
for the common joy we have
in each other.

on a side note.
book arts.
this is my new fascination.

help me.

i want to bind
things.
ohhh i want to bind
lots of things.
(your mouth)

O_o

kiley's trial started
monday.
haven't heard from him
since ...well it's
been a week.

today is a month since
i've quit smoking
whoopie.

sometimes, only sometimes...

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 03:10:58 GMT

sometimes i still cry over you.
waiting for the telephone to say
there's understanding.
waiting for a letter dropped in
a moment of ..
waiting for all of those answers

eh.
"that's life"

sometimes my mum makes
amazing fudge brownies..
and i give reflux, weight
and all those other innard
like problems the finger..
b/c damn it's good.

sometimes i'm supposed to
be writing papers and i
wait until the latest possible
times to even think of a thesis.
i really fucking dislike my teacher.
i no longer hate her. she's struggling
in the same pile of shit as the rest
of us.

sometimes i wonder why more
people were not at the leonard
nimoy lecture. shame on you!
it was most entertaining.

sometimes when you take over
and remind me what we are
doing here..it makes me
the happiest girl who truly
does feel like a silly
fairy tale..and it makes
me want to squeeze you and
hug you and love you and ..
name you george?

sometimes i remember why
i liked smoking in the first
place all this panic in the chest
gets muffled ..with a cough and
wheez..

sometimes i wonder how i
ended up not half as drunk
as i used to be. i think i
may know how..but shh!

=)

sometimes i feel like i have
the most most most...

and i thank you!
and you!
und du!
y tu!

<333

these are a few of my favourite things...

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 03:00:43 GMT

the past few weeks have been
amazing exhausting and now
now..can i nap? soon.

music. celebrations..
celebrating the dead,
celebrating the hope!
celebrating friends
and family and loving
every exhausting minute.

i have so much more to
say,but here's the run
down.

talking to kiley has
been nice. reminding me
that holding grudges
is retardando...

i adore that about
the friends i have..
(most of them)
last year took
a lot from me and
i started to become
that person who still
gets as mad as the first
time..everytime. YUCK
to that. =D
we loved each other
in our friendships
for more good than not..
than you will always
be welcomed in my heart.
=)

and sure..some of those
friendships are different,
but i saw someone get
red faced and sooo rawr
the other day for a past
grudge, and i am very
thankful that i know
how to let go..some
may argue me on that..
but i do.

all this talk...
about getting up
and what have youse
done..well what have you?
i refuse to..because
i know i haven't.
does that make sense?

until i have, who am
i to judge?

Judges...we ALL love
to be them..don't we?
there are systems that
have always been in place..
let's remind the class.
god.
greed.
power.

oh my this rant can't
take place right now.

just wanted to say that
i am happy! =D
things are good.
need to stop eating cookies..
and remember..
it's your choice babe..;o)

who wants to ride a horse thru utah? you know..blowing smoke rings? c'mon?

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 05:31:23 GMT

okay. so i feel horrible that
this will be the first time
that i will miss the pink dots
in a decade, even worse that
it is the EXACT ten year anniversary
of the first time i saw them.
i remember, was it destin who
said "keep on rockin' in the free world"
to edward? haha. the trio.
we were a good trio, but that has
passed. i could cry endless nights,
but i've discovered something tonight.

i'm bored of crying!
well, mostly.
tonight my party plans
burst..it was disappointing
because ..it would have been
the perfect end to such a beautiful
year.
i can't express how much music
means to me..ever.
how much this one man means
to me..ever.
so the combination of the
two..makes me want to burst
into bubbles of all those
nice and fluffy vulgar things..
(?) like sex on cupcakes?
wha?

but. that is life. and
ya know..we'll figure something
else out.
we'll be heading off to new orleans
friday. i'm anxious and excited.
happy that my bff and her meester
is going to be there as well
this weekend! =D
oh look out! the last time
we shared the streets of new
orleans i was puking on curbsides
and she almost whooped me arse!
=X hehehe. i'll never live my
stories down, and neither will
she. that's why we are bff. =P

there was a thought.
and then there was not.
i am the ..ladder? i like
to pretend so i can climb
the thought and figure it
out later.

? cupcakes?!

mmmmmmm.

okay. i really must go
to sleep or pretend to
as being able to update
without being at work
is a bit ..nice..and
i could write a novel, but
it'd be more like
poe-try and nobody wants
that!