is my favourite past time. i have a rough draft due tomorrow.

i knew what i wanted to write about, something easy breezy keep me going b/c my mental state can't really handle beyond easy breezy for classes right now. and then. well, let's just say someone made me feel about the size of a molecule for my decision and now i'm questioning once again times three what the fuck i'm doing. atm i don't need to be brilliant i need to get done with school. ya know? or should i push myself harder? or should i blame the world for my problems and just play cool...quit everything and pretend it was someone else's fault. i've also been debating the state of my mental health, the various downs lately have not really scared me they aren't as dramatic as when i was younger. i will not stand in front of trains while screaming at my sister and her best friend who always called me nappy headed. i will not scream that "If you don't care then I don't care" and then scram as soon as that train really gets close. (to an 8 year old that close was prob pretty far away, but ya know it was the point. "Quit calling me names and making me carry your books!") 

no, now they are scary in a different way. but these worries as an adult, i realize that they are the same as everyone else, "But i'm not like everyone else". Yes, yes you are. *sigh*

in the end. i want to create atleast one beautiful thing in my life. one. that's all i'm asking. and no, nothing with lungs please.

speaking of trains.  i feel like i've been run over by one. sleep doesn't seem to come easy and quite frankly doesn't seem to help. i need rest. someone create comatose..legal forms...of comatose.