to all those who gave me hugs
and hellos over the past few
weeks. i lied. i could cry..
and i did. and i'm not done
yet. it is in silly things
like, "who will i give my pennies to?"
and it is in buffet cookies?
and i miss him.
and sometimes late at night
when i'm trying to sleep
i can only see the last minutes
of his face..and it disturbs me.

you can smoke now. i broke
and i've smoked about 5 packs
since my grandfather passed.
i still plan on quitting..
but...eh.

i listened to my mother
sing the same song that
i hummed to him an hour
before he passed.
amazing grace..and it
gets me everytime.

they left me in the
room just ..the two
of us ..and i didn't
know what to say..
so i just half teared
up and hummed and half
sang..quiet..and his stare
was lost..and in that
moment i wished that he
would go ahead and let go..
he was no longer ..who he
was..

rawr. sorry haven't really
been able to talk about it..
write about it...etc etc..
everyone has been thru it
or going thru it..and some
much worse..i'm grateful
for those who are in my
life i am grateful to have
known ross connie phillips
for 28 years...and i just
hope that he was a bit
proud of me. the sad thing
is..he was..of me quitting
smoking. ha on fathers day
we shared a piece of chicken..
he actually got up in his
chair on father's day..

rawr.

okay.sorry.
just needed to spill.

i miss him.
and you.
and you.